Fear, pride and other mind altering drugs, pt.1

I am infected by an insidious parasite that drains me of creativity and feeds a sense of impending failure. I am accompanied by an almost ever present sense of overwhelming humiliation and crushing shame hovering just beyond the horizon. I am stalked daily by the long shadow of disappointments past claiming my every possible intention of progress. Crippling and restraining, this is my fear.

in you I see a  beauty that profounds me. I am without words and this causes me to be uncomfortable. you see, I am the master of all I survey as long as I can name it, classify it and finds it's place. you, are without classification. magnificence without boundaries, splendor that I fear would only be defiled by my amateurish attempts to describe it. challenged and found wanting, this is my pride.

yet, the sun still shines. unaffected by the triviality of our storms. unstirred by our quests for power, our struggles for significance, our petty mortality. it shines because this is what it does, sans fear, sans pride, whether we like it or not. not seeking approval, it doesn't try, it does.  perhaps it's relentlessness teaches me something, maybe I've learned something from it's stoic persistence. maybe I'm just damned fool enough to think trying anyway will make a difference. so, to the hounds with shame and tongue-tied excuses be damned. this is my hope.

And you, you are my love and you, love, are precious to me.